We All Get Older, We Don't All Get Grown.

Original Post: July 29, 2009

During my shower at the gym earlier this evening, two gentleman were having a conversation while I was trying to mind my own business and wash the sweat off me. Normally, this would fully be against the Man Rule. I would even consider telling them to shut up, but that would also cause me to be breaking the rules. But these two gentleman were speaking Spanish, so I felt oddly OK with it. Because I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying, I didn't feel awkward listening to them. That being the case, I think this should be an addendum to the rule.

This morning I was outside stretching and I smashed an ant with my index finger. Actually what really happened was that while I was stretching, I noticed this ant crawling towards me and so I decided to push it away from me, rather then let it crawl on me. I then noticed it was squirming around and struggling. I think I may have smashed its head or something but I decided to just end its pain swiftly rather then just watch it die, and so with one poke it's life ended. This actually made me feel a little sad. I started to envision its wifey ant back at the farm, caring for their hundreds of baby ants. And I messed all that up. Ridiculous I know, but true.

Then while I sat there stretching, I started to think back to one day when I was in elementary school. I'm not sure what grade exactly, but I know I was at least in 2nd grade. Back then I lived a block or so from my school and I would ride my Huffy to and from. One fateful day, I was speeding back home after school and when I was about halfway, I heard a *crunch* and a *chirp*. I jumped off my bike and saw that I ran over a baby birdy. I remember crying about it and feeling such an empty feeling inside. To this day I can still vividly see the setting and hear the sounds. When I tell this story to friends, I joke that I was traumatized by this moment, but secretly I really feel that way. I could go off on a tangent about death, but that would be straying from the point of this blog.

What I'm wondering is, why am I so damn sensitive? Last night I was keeping myself busy by googling random stuff. At one point I came across Zodiac signs and my sign in particular: Scorpio. I read this: http://www.astrology-online.com/scorpio.htm and have to admit was a little intrigued. As a Christian I don't believe in that stuff nor would I ever imagine that people's character is based off of the time frame of when we were born. But I couldn't help but to notice that as I kept reading the traits of a Scorpio, I started to see a lot of those same traits in me. Most of the traits I read, that I also see in myself, are things that I am proud of and glad to possess. But there were a couple that I wish weren't true: Jealous & overly sensitive (emotional). My jealousy is a whole other post, so i'll stick to just talking about my issues with sensitivity.

As I sat there on the concrete, with ant remnants on my finger and hurt in my heart, all of these thoughts came rushing into my brain. And I tried to think, is this a good thing or bad? I mean, I like that I can be sensitive to someone else's feelings. But I really hate that I allow myself to be hurt by the smallest things. Is this normal for a guy? Is this normal for anyone? Can I ever be in another meaningful relationship if I don't harden up? I have no answers really. But in the end, I love who I am and would never trade it all in to be somebody else. I try every day to work on the things that need to be changed in my life, and I feel like there is a healthy daily growth. At least I'm thinking about stuff like this right? Or wait, is that not normal either? (Feedback appreciated)

...I really need to stop listening to Copeland when I blog, haha.

The end of Summer always hurts my heart a little bit. I know I live in SoCal and the change of seasons aren't that drastic, but its more the shift in a mindset that gets me. Less spontaneity, less beach, less time, less activity, less daylight. I also read in a magazine once that light has a direct effect on one's happiness...meaning less daylight = more depression. (sidenote: I just spent 5 mins deciding between effect vs. affect. I either need to take a grammar class or go to counseling, haha) For the past year or so, i've been generally happy all the time, so i'm confident that the depression thing won't hit me this Fall. But anyways, my point is that Autumn and Winter suck.

I can sit here and list all the negatives about no Summer in my life, but I do have lots of stuff to look forward too and I guess that's the reason for this post. Here is a short list:

1. Football is back.
2. Snowboarding trips will be bountiful.
3. Trip to Argentina in December/January.
4. I get to wear hoodies again.
5. My first tattoo (only 10 more lbs to go until I hit my goal weight)
6. Less distraction means more time to get down to business.

It's been some time since I was blogging consistently and I think that mostly had to do with Summer. Seriously though, most of my posts would've sounded like this: "I went to the beach today and had a blast with my awesome friends. Then tonight we all went out and danced our hearts out." You could also throw some stuff in there about Golfing, Palm Desert, working out, surfing, all my friends getting married, my love life, and getting reconnected with God and at Church. That should pretty much sum up everything.

And if I was to go into detail, I guess I would talk a little bit about how life is going currently. Well, let's see...as most of my friends know I went to the Philippines for a month. I can honestly say my outlook on life is a little different since then. I've learned how to always be up for anything, that living without fear is the only way to live, that God's plan for me is so much better than what I could ever come up with, and how to say "Yes" more than "No". My life has improved, no doubt. I haven't kept in great touch with my Dad since, but I don't see anything wrong with that. We actually have a relationship now, which is a plus, and i'm not ashamed of him, which is another plus. I think the trip helped me to get past all the hurt of not growing up with my Dad and to learn to appreciate what I already have (which is much more than I deserve). How I see it is that I'm going to be an amazing Dad someday and my testimony is just a little different from others. I plan on visiting the Philippines again next year.

What else? Well, I've lost a total of 40lbs. It's so sad to me that I was heavy enough to ever be able to lose that much, but it is what it is. I still have a long way to go, but i'm so active with the gym, Soccer on mondays in OC (yes, i'm here right now), basketball, training for a triathlon, football with Cam and Rob, and even surfing, golfing, and yoga, that I should hit my goals within no time and then make new goals!

I've also been living in San Diego since my trip, even though at times it doesn't seem like it. I've literally only had a chance to spend 2 weekends there since I got back, due to travel and other Summer plans. I love it though. I know there is a purpose for me being there and it's been awesome to see the way things have unfolded. The best part is that my network has really expanded since moving back. I get to spend much more time with my SD friends and I haven't lost touch with any of my OC friends. I've also learned to be comfortable with wherever I am. I've never been the guy to couch surf. I like my own shower, my own bathroom, my own bed. But i've never spent so much time away from "Home" as I did this summer. It has forced me to become more flexible, to meet new people, and to be more active.

And lastly, a lot of awesome new things are in store for my future. My biggest decision as of late is that I've decided to get my teaching credentials to become an elementary school teacher. Not many people know that I've battled with this decision off and on for about 9 years now. I just couldn't fight it anymore. I always knew I would end up a teacher at some point. I just thought it would be when I was older and after I was already a millionaire with a successful business. I've realized I kind of had it backwards. I know I can not only teach, but also successfully run my financial consulting, SEO consulting, and web marketing business simultaneously. It also is a step in the right direction towards something else that i've wanted to do which is coach HS football, pop warner, or little league. It's honestly a really exciting time in my life and I can't wait for everything to come together. And I can't complain about having all of Summer off. It's pretty much a perfect career choice for me :)

There is tons more going on. but that's all I got for now. I look forward to blogging more consistently now that Summer is gone.