We All Get Older, We Don't All Get Grown.

And I've been unable, to push you away.
You had me able, to understand life like a game we play.
You're not afraid of it all.
And I've been unable, to get you away.
To talk about the things, I wish I could say.
Do you know your worth?
'Cause everyday I pray for your world.

...When you're not around, I hope somehow that you can feel me.
'Cause miles don't mean anything.
















(When I fall, I fall hard.)

As some of you might know, last week I was hit very hard by the Flu. I was bed-ridden for over a week and I almost lost my life. Well, I didn't actually almost lose my life, but it sucked pretty bad. It seemed like a lot of people caught the same thing. Even Star Athletes such as myself, Kobe, and Garnett couldn't avoid this terrible virus.

That being said, I spent a lot of my days watching TV and movies and trying to get better. When I had enough of watching Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel, I entertained myself with the list of semi-new movies that my roommate downloads. Once I started running out of choices I finally decided to watch The Happening. Wow. Maybe it was because of my sickness, but I just thought it was a terrible movie. I know at this point you might think that this entry is solely about my experience with the flu or me going off on how watching The Happening probably made my condition worse, but its actually about Love or more specifically Relationships. Took me a while to get to my point huh?


So anyways, what inspired this post was actually a scene from The Happening (don't worry, I won't ruin it for you if you are planning on renting it some day...but you really shouldn't). In the movie the main characters meet a lonely, old lady who is cut off completely from society and they stay at her house for the night. While they are eating dinner that night, the old lady asks the couple, "So who is chasing who?" The couple had no idea what the Old Lady was talking about so she explained that in every relationship there is always one person who is "chasing" the other one. This was about the only thing that really interested me throughout the movie.

The reason it caught my attention was because I find a lot of truth in that statement. In my experiences with relationships, I've been both the chaser and the chased. One thing that has been relevant in all of my relationships though, is that there was always one person who tried a little bit harder and who seemed to care a little bit more. And its not just with me, I see it all the time with the relationships around me as well. While both parties are in the relationship, or in love, or both, there is usually an obvious one that is putting a little bit more effort.

Why is that? I can't explain it exactly because I know its different with every relationship. It could be because one is more worried about the relationship lasting. Or it could be that one is just more into the other. Maybe one is "dating up" and feels reluctant to be in that particular relationship therefore they put more into it. Or it could even just be because one is naturally more thoughtful. There are tons of different situations that define a relationship, but all i'm saying is that its very rare to see one that is "balanced". And its not even that a couple has a defined "Chaser" and "Chasee" from the get go. For example, in my "most serious" relationship as an adult, at the beginning of the relationship my girlfriend was the one who was noticeably more into it. She was definitely chasing me and showing me on a daily basis how much she was into me. But then at some point, the roles changed . Maybe I just became more "in love", but there was definitely a role-reversal at some point.

One thing that I came to realize, after reflecting on that scene in the movie, is that I like, or maybe I should say that I tend, to prefer to be the one doing the chasing. What the heck is wrong with me? Why would I choose to chase someone? The only explanation I can come up with is that it must be that I enjoy "The Chase" in general. Maybe sub-consciously I see it as a challenge that I want to conquer. I can't say for sure, but one thing I do know is that being chased isn't as appealing. I actually get kind of annoyed if someone is trying too hard to show me that they like me. Maybe its a power trip or I just get big headed, but that's just how I've reacted to being chased in the past. Who knows, maybe when I meet my wifey-to-be, all of this will change, and I'll finally see what that perfect balance is all about.

This is just such an interesting topic to me and I wish I could explain the Psychology of it all. What are everyone else's thoughts? Am I missing something here?

1. Strength Comes From Working Out Differences: (learned from a rather brutal conversation I had today) In my particular conversation, no differences were really worked out, but it got me thinking. What would be considered a better, more fruitful relationship:
   -a couple that never has to deal with conflict and cruises through life either in complete agreement or ignoring their disagreements in order to stay "happy".
   
   Or
   
   -a couple that seems to face a lot of conflict. Has differing perspectives on different things. Confronts each other in order to resolve these problems. And eventually learns more about the other, learns more about them self, sees things from a different perspective, and learns how best to work through these differences.
   
   If I was to share my answer, I think being happy and not having any conflict sounds refreshing and very comfortable. It definitely sounds like a easier road to travel. But i also think(cliche' warning), that nothing amazing ever comes easy. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. My choice would be the hard road..sounds crazy, but really, how boring does the easy road sound? Its like, if i'm snowboarding-- I can take the easy runs and I guarantee I won't fall(unless some crazy asian tourist loses control and crashes into me). I'd be the best on those runs and all the beginners would see. But the truth is, I'm not worried about falling. I want to take the double black diamond run. My reasoning: even if I ride on the bunny slopes all day and never fall, i'll still only be a novice at the end of the day. But if I master the double black diamond, with all the risk of falling, the risk of getting hurt, the risk of not being able to finish-- still, at the end of the day I am that much closer to being an expert.
   
   
2. A Challenge Brings Out The Best In Us: (Learned from reading through Men's Health at the gym tonight.) This one is pretty self-explanatory. A challenge should be embraced because in the end, succeed or fail, it makes us better people. Challenge brings out the best in us, but what a lot of people don't think about is that, a challenge also brings out the best in those that surround us. If I rise to a challenge that I face at work, my coworkers will be that much more inspired to do the same. If a player on an underdog team rises to the challenge of facing a bigger and better team, his teammates will follow that lead. If a married couple on the verge of divorce decides to take their problems head on and seek out a solution, they may inspire another couple in a similar position to fight on as well. I think that concept is so awesome. Maybe that's why I voted Republican-- cause I like the challenge(not handouts).
   
   
3. Honesty Always Trumps Insincerity: (learned from reminiscing on my day) This is one of my daily challenges: be honest and hurt someone. Or be insincere and keep them happy and blissfully ignorant. If I care about you, you'll get lots of honesty from me. You may not like it, but someone needs to be the messenger. TRUST ME though when I say, IT IS HARD being that guy. I don't want to hurt anyone. But am I hurting someone more by not being honest with them about "how i see it"? For the answer to that, I look to God:
   Proverbs 27:17- "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (NIV)
   "You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another." (The Message)
   
   
4. Believe In Yourself: (learned from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium) I think this is the theme of the movie. Believe in yourself. "It sounds a little too selfish, a little too close to "Follow your heart, no matter what anyone says." When taken out of context as it often is at the movies, and in real life it can lead to all sorts of bad decisions such as hasty marriages, even hastier divorces, quitting college, or even joining the peace corp! Following your heart often translates into following your emotions, and emotions are fickle. But the truth is, there's nothing wrong with following our hearts as long as we lend our brains and our souls to the proposition, too. God created in each one of us talent, passion and drive to do ... something.
   
   We are God's creatures, and each of us carry a "sparkle"--something greater than ourselves trying to get out. And believing in yourself enough (being courageous enough) to make that happen, well, that's a great thing indeed."

Remember that future entry on love I talked about...well here it is as promised! What can I say, I love the idea of "true love" and everything it stands for.

The lesson you learn from your very first failed relationship is that, every relationship you are in before you meet "the one" are learning situations. I know this and reluctantly accept this to be a truth. I consider myself to be a scholar of life and am in love with expanding my knowledge in anything from math to underwater basket weaving to the meaning of life. I'm not that great at math, i'm not sure I could even basket weave outside of water let alone submerged in it, and the meaning of life is something i've accepted i'll never fully know...but that doesn't stop my pursuit of knowledge, regardless of how trivial some of it may be. So, in my last "relationship", I took this whole "failed relationship-lessons thing" to a new level. It was probably one of the more ignorant things i've done lately, but in the end I can still look back at it as being productive.

Lets just put it this way, after date #1 of this relationship, the following words actually came out of my mouth: "She's cool but i'd never ever want to be in a serious relationship with her." When every positive is immediately followed by a "but", that relationship typically doesn't end in a long-lasting, meaningful relationship. It more likely then not, will end though. But nevertheless, I continued on for a few more months of this. Not one time during this process did my feelings change...but i continued on because it was fun and I kept telling myself that I would probably learn something that will improve me for my future someday. I've never been in a relationship before where my long term goal, wasn't something more meaningful. This was new and exciting for me. Wow, what an idiot. And like every other failed relationship, it ended. I finally came to my senses and decided I needed to stop this. Looking back, I did learn a lot though. I learned how to be less serious when it came to my love life. I expanded my already extensive spontaneity. I reinforced that i truly am a man of principal and my morals are my foundation when its all said and done. And probably most importantly, I learned to be less sensitive when it comes to how humans treat each other. I hope to take all these things into my next relationship, whether it be a failure or a success.


moral of the story: It's usually not a good idea to date someone for the sole purpose of gaining personal life lessons. Not only is it not fair to the other person, but it is a waste of time, money, and good date ideas :) Even if you learn something in the end, if that is your purpose, go serve in Africa for a month, interview an old couple that's been in the game for 50+ years, or just simply go to church...these will all teach you more and better prepare you to be a better husband or wife someday. A failed relationship is still just another failure in my book and God knows how awful failure makes me feel. Plus, i'm sure there are at least a few more failed relationships in my future, I might as well just let them come naturally.